Discuss the heart of family
Top 3 conversation times
- Meals
- Meetings
- Prayer time, devotions
Others: Mercy seat, what did you do, who were you with, how was your day.
Rules breed rebels… relationships breed responsibility
I grew up as an only child. Having 6 kids was a foreign idea to me…. And it definitely wasn’t something I received training on until it was REAL TIME – me in the driver’s seat.
One thing I tell people all the time is that my “control” button parenting defaults got stripped away one by one and for me it honestly took 6 kids before I think I got the clue that God is really the only one in control and the more I try to control it, the more I realize that it only frustrates me and fractures my relationships.
Along the way I’ve learned that building bridges with my kids was more important in the long-term of relationships than it was to have rules and make a point!
You do not make points…. by making your point…. if you know what I mean.
This is where conversations become game changers.
Create a place for them to be heard, understood and felt. Keep an open dialogue where you are not shocked by what they say. Make it a safe space to say anything their heart desires. Have it be a place to digest and dissect feelings, thoughts and dreams together!
Some of the intentions we’ve set in this process is that during a temptation, trial or test, discussions will come to mind that will form as guides along the way even if we are not physically with our kids, and we believe they can feel and hear the heart of our conversions and connections we’ve made. I’ve had kids say to me throughout the years things like, “Mom I can hear you say _______ even when you’re not with me in person.” I love this as it reminds me of the verse in Isaiah 30:21 that says, “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’” By no means am I like the Holy Spirit, and I do not strive to be the Holy Spirit to my kids BUT, I do believe the influence of our voice should be bold and loud enough that they still hear us once they leave the nest… and hopefully it’s something worth listening to parents!
Never be surprised…be vulnerable and share a few of your own “secrets”
Conversations in the teenage years definitely keeps me up at night; I’ll say that for starters! Just face the facts… the teenage years are blast back to the sleepless nights- the only difference is they are not the ones crying, you are. You wish they were home, you worry about where they are, what they are doing, how’s it going to turn out and if you’re like me, the ever-dreaded phone calls asking if you’re the parent of…..
Nope, you’re not alone. These days are hard no matter how you slice it- if you have boys it’s hard and if you have girls it’s hard… Not BAD, just HARD! And those hard conversations are always easier when relationships are foundational rather than rules.
Some of the ways we’ve taken the hard out of conversations in our family are to ask questions that lead to conversations, not answers! When it starts this way it doesn’t become so much an issue when you need answers that matter! Some good questions to start to hear their heart are:
PEOPLE
- What is it about _____ friend that you like?
- What qualities in _____ do you trust/not trust?
- How are things going with _____?
- What do you like about hanging out at _____ house, place etc.
- What are your friends talking and thinking about these days?
PHILOSOPHY:
- How do you feel loved? What is love to you?
- Is there free will, choice, and chance in _____?
- Can people really change or just modify behavior?
- Who is Jesus to you?
- How was Jesus there for you today?
- How do you measure your happiness?
- What do you think your purpose is right now?
LINK TO PODCAST: Our Firesides Podcasts